This article, When Kalphites Attack!, was created by Mr. Garrison.

When Kalphites Attack!
Series: Time Fractures
Series Number: 3.4
Main Characters Drauss
The Traveller
Enemy: Kalphites
Setting: Falador
Writer: Mr. Garrison
Previous Story: The Traveller
Following Story: Time of the Mutant


Heading into the future, the GDG meet the Traveller who hasn't met them yet. As timelines cross, the plan to save Falador begins to fall into place but will it work out as planned? And just how do you hold back an army of hundreds of Kalphites?


Recap of "The Traveller" followed by Title Sequence...


Drauss and Cratus brought all the GDG to Falador. Anomaly activity had been picked up on a low level, meaning that the anomaly in the Kalphite Lair had probably opened, though it was hard to tell due to it being so deep underground.

"So what are we going to do?" Cratus asked.

"Well Cratey, as soon as those bugs come through we're going to launch a good few grenades at them," Drauss said.

"They have armour-plated bodies!"

"No, no, no. Not explosive grenades, grenades containing scarab repellent."

"And do we have enough?"


"How many at the minute?"

"Well..." Drauss stammered, "We have a rough total of approximately-"

"Get to the point!"



"It's a working progress! We've got a few scientists developing it with Doarle, he's smart, he probably knows quite a bit about scarab anatomy."

"Scarabs are a separate species you know. Kalphites developed from them; different anatomy."

"Oh Saradomin..."

White Knight's Castle:

Doarle was using a room with some scientists to develop a scarab repellent. Drauss and Cratus ran inside.

"I thin you've got a stalker," Sir Vyvin said.

"Yeah, yeah, we've already met him, and he's about to help save Falador!" Drauss exclaimed.


"Long story, confusing paradox."

"Right," Sir Vyvin said, leaving the room obviously baffled by Drauss.

"Doarle, we have a problem, or we might have one."

"What is it?"

"Are you making a scarab repellent?"


"We need a Kalphite one."

"Oh no problem, all we need is a bit more vinegar."

"We're not dealing with Raxacoricofallapatorians you know!"

"Drauss, Kalphites are poisonous, scarabs are too in certain cases, but not as much. This means that to generate this they'll be full of high pH liquids, so if this vinegar invades their senses, then it'll trigger some kind of reaction which will fracture the perfect balance and pH of the Kalphites. They'll have too strong a pH inside them and then they'll be rather poorly. With them weakened we can shunt them back through the anomaly."

"Fantastic!" Drauss said kissing Doarle on the forehead before running out, Cratus following.

"Oh goodness..." Doarle said.

Main Square:

Drauss looked at his watch.

"It's gonna open!" He declared, and as if on cue, an anomaly flared into existence behind the city gate. "Everyone get ready! And shut those gates! NOW!!!"

"Shouldn't that Traveller guy show up about now?" Cratus asked.

"Yeah, you're right!" Another anomaly flared into existence in the park. The Traveller wandered past and looked at it in awe. "You can do it, save Falador, the Kalphites are on their way!" There was a screech in the distance as the sound of Kalphites filled the air.

"See you in the past," the Traveller said running through.

"Now I think it's about time we did a bit of bug-squishing!" Drauss ordered getting some insect repellent out his pocket.

City Wall:

La'ab stood on the city wall throwing out regular grenades to no effect.

"Hurry up and die already!" La'ab moaned. Drauss joined him and squired insect repellent at a Kalphite Soldier who jumped up in shock.

"There you go! Now get repelled already!"

"Where did you get that?"

"General store, just down there, got it early this morning." Doarle ran up with a handful of Kalphite-killing grenades which he handed to Drauss and La'ab.

"Now use them carefully, they take a long time to make," Doarle ordered. Drauss threw one down at a Kalphite Worker who rolled on to its back and then proceeded to explode, splattering La'ab with a strange acidic liquid.

"Thank Saradomin I'm indestructible, or that acid would really burn," La'ab said.

"Yeah! Lucky you! I just got some in my eye!" Doarle grumbled. Drauss continued throwing grenades down, with more and more Kalphites exploding everywhere. The anomaly increased in size, and out came four Kalphite Guardians who managed to smash the city gate down. The grenades were thrown at them, but to little effect, they just shattered on their spiny backs. La'ab threw the grenades at the Kalphite workers crawling up the wall.

"Everyone get off the ground!" Drauss ordered as the Kalphite Guardians shattered the window of the hairdresser's. A drunk man walked out the pub with a bottle in his hand. He smashed it on the wall and pointed it at the Kalphite Guardian.

"Now you listen here you great big green idiot, if I ever catch you walking in my way again with your claws and spines I'll-" The man didn't finish his sentence, he was sent flying by the Kalphite into the wall of the shield shop killing him instantly.

"Now they could do with him in that pub to sort out drunks," Drauss suggested. He turned round to see a swarm of Kalphite larva heading towards him. A local cat pounced on them and began eating away at them. "Good kitty!"

White Knight's Castle:

Cratus had dared to go on the ground and try and get to the White Knights' Castle so he could hopefully get some help from the knights in terms of getting rid of the Kalphites. A Guardian arrived outside the Castle, but unfortunately for it there was no welcoming committee from the white knights who proceeded to impale it with a number of swords.

One hour later:

With all the Kalphites now lured to the southern part of Falador, Drauss thought that they could all be finished off with a few grenades. Unfortunately, they had company. The Kalphite Queen stomped out of the anomaly.

"Holy-" The bystander was blasted down by ancient magic in seconds. The Queen smashed into the hairdresser's and not only shattered more windows, but sent it toppling to the ground. Picking up the scent of other Kalphites, she headed southwards. Drauss watched, realizing there was only one option; the south of Falador would need to receive a few good grenades.

White Knight's Castle:

"Doarle! Give me everything you've got!" Drauss ordered.

Southern Wall:

Peering down at the army of Kalphites, the GDG put the explosives and grenades in place, and then with a loud BANG! The explosives set off the grenades destroying all the Kalphites below. An acid rain began to pour down from the sky.

"Get out of here! The air's contaminated with acid rain!" Drauss ordered.

Four Hours Later...

With the anomaly having sealed, Drauss and Cratus began to head back to base. As they did, the cat from earlier jumped out of an alleyway. Drauss stroked him as he spat out a small Kalphite larva, to the laughter of Drauss and Cratus.


  • Drauss
  • Cratus
  • The Traveller
  • Sir Vyvin
  • Doarle
  • La'ab
  • White Knights
  • The Cat
  • Drunk Man
  • Bystander



Preceded by:
The Traveller
Episode navigation Followed by:
Time of the Mutant